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Date:April 27th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)

in the same boat

Hello. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to being on your own. I am studying psychology and relationships is one of my strong points. Allow me to try and help you with your problem.
From what you wrote here (which is definitely very little about your history with your parents) I have come to a "mini conclusion". As a result of your trans-gendered father and your mother's alcohol addiction you have a difficult time connecting with people. For you to brush this off and say it had no effect on you is honestly insane. The relationships that you built, with anyone, as a child tend to stick with you for a lifetime.

Please answer a few of these questions for me a.s.a.p. so I can further help you with this issue:

Where/are you close with your father?

In all honesty could you describe your relationship between you and your parents as a child/adolescent?

As of now, this is all I can help you with. We'll just start with the little things first.



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Date:April 27th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)

Re: in the same boat

Yes I was close to both of my parents growing up. My mom was a good mom. . . She was my girls scout leader, she took care of me when I was sick or upset, we made cookies at Christmas, all that good stuff. I actually don't remember much of her alcoholism from when I was a kid, but I remember she used to always have boxed wine in the fridge, and I still hate the smell of wine on people's breaths. I think back then she only drank in the evenings though.
She's still a good mother, she listens to my problems and tries to give advice, and helps me out with money, food, or even a place to live. It's just that she gets drunk every night and I have to catch her right after she gets off work if I want to have a good conversation. Trying to talk to her when she is drunk just makes me angry.
As for my dad, I've always had a good relationship with him as well. (I guess I always loved both of my parents 'seperately', I don't remember ever really seeing them affectionate with eachother and didn't think of them so much as a 'couple') We used to go for long walks every night, my dad, my sisters, my dog and me. He's very smart and well read and we used to have the most interesting conversations. I always thought my dad knows everything. He also used to read to us, up until I was in Jr. High which is when he read The Lord of The Rings to us. Sometimes our friends would even come over and listen.
Now my dad lives across the country in Virginia, and it is harder to be close to him now. He never calls me, but then complains to my sister that I don't call him. But now that he's 'come out of the closet' and has so many friends and a new marriage, and really a whole new life, our relationship has changed. When we were growing up he didn't have very many friends and we were his whole life. I think I even kind of felt like I was the favorite, like I was Daddy's girl. When he first moved to Virginia, I went and lived with him for one summer, and it seemed he was pretty lonely w/out me and my sisters nearby. Now he has this whole new life and doesn't need us so much anymore. And for some reason I don't like asking him for help (financially) when I need it, even though he's never said no. I never want to call him until I actually have some good news. . . wish I was more successful, like my sister, so he could be proud of me.

Does this help?
Date:April 27th, 2004 05:35 pm (UTC)
First off, do NOT let the relationship that you have with your father disband. It is obviously very precious to you. If you feel as if you can not connect with him as much because of his new lifestyle, send him a card write him an e-mail. Anything to remind him that he is loved or missed. More likely than not he thinks about you often.
Next why do you feel the need to take second to your sister? I'm sure your father loves you both equally. Even if she seems to have more goals accomplished it is ok! Your time WILL come.
Last but not least, you mentioned the relationship between your parents. Not a very affectionate one? Well that could be one reason why you aren't that ok with relationships yourself. I could definitely be way off on this one but it is hard to tell. When you were in school were you the type of gal to have a lot more guy friends than girl friends? And every guy that you met thought that you were really great, but it never went on from that level? Do tell.

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Date:April 27th, 2004 05:58 pm (UTC)
Last but not least, you mentioned the relationship between your parents. Not a very affectionate one? Well that could be one reason why you aren't that ok with relationships yourself.

I have thought about that as an explaination, but I always wondered why I turned out so different from my sisters. Both of them have always had a boyfriend since they were in elementary school. They are both very flirtatious and have always had boys around. Usually before they break up with someone, they already have the next one lined up. Not that my sister's relationships have been the healthiest ones, but I guess I've always sort of envied them that.

I am the opposite. No, I never did have male friends growing up. All of my friends were girls, I don't know why, it just happened like that. Even in High School and College, the only guys that I hung out with were the boyfriends of my friends or sisters. During my first year out of college, (my last year in Flagstaff) was the first time that I had quite a few male friends. I became friends with them through work, or through other friends and I spent a lot of time at parties and bars. This was a confusing time for me because a couple of them did show interest in me, just not the one I wanted. . . And I didn't know how to handle that.
Now that I am back here I have only a few old friends from high school, and my sister and cousin to spend time with. I have asked all of these friends to please keep me in mind and introduce me to any single men they know, but they haven't yet. Mostly they say they just don't know anyone who is good enough for me. Now that's a sad thought.
Date:May 3rd, 2004 10:01 am (UTC)

Never settle for less

We'll start off with the subject of the matter: "NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS!" No matter what do not lower your standards. If your friends tell you that they have yet to meet anyone with your potential or the qualities that you look for in a guy then GOOD! At least they know not to lower your standards, right?
Another thing I have to address would have to be the way you are looking for guys. I think you're trying too hard. Like I said before, your time will come. You can't force something like this. I'm not saying to sit on your ass and avoid guys all together. But what I am saying is to maybe (please do not take this the wrong way) look so desperate. Guys/people in general can sense that. I mean, can't you tell when a guy is totally looking for someone, anyone? It's very obvious and could definately be a turn-off. So look out for that next time.
And now, like always, I will end with a question.
Do you find yourself liking guys who are unavailable to you?
Answer this and I will get back to you.

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Date:May 4th, 2004 08:25 pm (UTC)

Re: Never settle for less

Well I liked the first part of your post, about not lowering my standards. Everybody tells me my standards are too high. I don't know that that's true. . . I'm sure there are some decent guys out there (arent there??).
But I have to dissagree, I'm pretty sure I don't come off as desparate. I'm actually worried that the opposite is true, I give off a vibe that I am not available. I don't get approached by guys because I don't really want to be approached. Because it would make me nervous and uncomfortable and I would probably turn them down anyway.
And I don't flirt. I always thought that was my problem. When there is a guy you could be interested in you are supposed to flirt with them, but I don't really know how. I think that's why they would see me as a friend before they would see me as girlfriend material.
I'm not usually attracted to guys who are unavailable, I just don't know how to get them. I rarely am attracted to someone (I've had about 4 big crushes in the last 8 years). They all were single and available when I became interested in them but they get snatched up before i get the guts to tell them how I feel, or I end up too far in the "friend zone", or we don't even become friends and we graduate and I never see him again. Also when I have one of these crushes, there is no way that anybody else will be good enough for me. That's why I'm too picky. I want to learn to be more open to the possibility of love, or else how will it ever happen for me?
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