Apr. 12th, 2004 @ 05:13 pm
I stumbled on to this community while looking for one to discuss evolution and religion, and hey I can't turn down free therapy! This will be long, but I didn't see any other posts and didn't know how much background info you need.
I feel like I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and I have no idea what direction to go in. Here is some background. Family: My parents divorced when I was in Jr. High and I was actually quite happy about that. My mother has remarried, and my father just got married last year. My mother has a problem with alcohol but that's not what I want to discuss. Oh and my father is trans-gendered (prefers to be a woman) and his wife is as well (prefers to be a man). That's not a problem to me either, I had a great time at their wedding and am glad that he is so happy right now. I have two sisters. The older one is a civil engineer, is married and has just had her second child. The younger is an unmarried waitress pregnant with her second child.
I went to a university as soon as I finished HS and it took me a couple years to chose a major because I have never been able to decide what I want to do with my life. I finally chose Anthropology because it fascinates me, but never saw myself in a career in that discipline. When I graduated I continued living in my college town for a year and worked at a department store. Eventually I realized I couldn't afford to live there anymore and moved back with my mother. In the past year I have had 4 different jobs and have been unemployed for the past 3 months. I am just now starting a part time job at home depot, which is also the lowest paying job I've had since college. I've toyed with a lot of different ideas like moving to Las Vegas and being a card dealer, getting certified to teach elementary school, studying to be a pharmacist, picking up and moving to Canada or Ireland and just go with the flow. . .
My current dream is to be a children's author, but I have no idea how I would go about doing that. I'm afraid I wouldn't be successful. But until I had that idea (just a few days ago) I've never heard of a career that I think I would care about. All I was worried about was being able to find a job so I could pay for my car, credit cards, cell phone, internet, etc.
My other problem is that I am lonely. I am a 24 yr old woman and all of my friends have gotten married (I was a bridesmaid 4 times in a year) and I have never even dated. I didn't date in HS, I didn't date in college, I've never been in a relationship at all. I'm not sure why this is, I'm fairly cute and definately friendly and open. They just always fall for my friends and not me. And I tend to get giganto crushes and then not know what to do about them.
To sum up, I'm afraid I'm going to end up an old, lonely virgin working at a supermarket for $7 an hour for the rest of my life. HELP!
|Date:||April 14th, 2004 10:06 am (UTC)|| |
On the job front, one recommendation I can make is that if you like teaching, you might want to teach English overseas. In particualr the money to be made in Taiwan and Japan is quite good. I don't know about Japan, but here in Taiwan demand for teachers is very high. It really is a teacher's market at present. But that's just my advice. If you need more info, you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Take care! And Dr. Dante please report to your community! You have a patient waiting! :D
Hmm, thanks for the advice, but I really don't know anything about teaching, that was just one idea I had. Today I actually had a brand new idea to go for an MBA because Home Depot will pay tuition reimbursement and I could probably get a good job then. Problem is, business does not interest me in the slightest. I know I'm only considering it because I'm worried about money.
I don't think the doctor is here anymore. . . Oh well.
Hello. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to being on your own. I am studying psychology and relationships is one of my strong points. Allow me to try and help you with your problem.
From what you wrote here (which is definitely very little about your history with your parents) I have come to a "mini conclusion". As a result of your trans-gendered father and your mother's alcohol addiction you have a difficult time connecting with people. For you to brush this off and say it had no effect on you is honestly insane. The relationships that you built, with anyone, as a child tend to stick with you for a lifetime.
Please answer a few of these questions for me a.s.a.p. so I can further help you with this issue:
Where/are you close with your father?
In all honesty could you describe your relationship between you and your parents as a child/adolescent?
As of now, this is all I can help you with. We'll just start with the little things first.
|Date:||April 27th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)|| |
Re: in the same boat
Yes I was close to both of my parents growing up. My mom was a good mom. . . She was my girls scout leader, she took care of me when I was sick or upset, we made cookies at Christmas, all that good stuff. I actually don't remember much of her alcoholism from when I was a kid, but I remember she used to always have boxed wine in the fridge, and I still hate the smell of wine on people's breaths. I think back then she only drank in the evenings though.
She's still a good mother, she listens to my problems and tries to give advice, and helps me out with money, food, or even a place to live. It's just that she gets drunk every night and I have to catch her right after she gets off work if I want to have a good conversation. Trying to talk to her when she is drunk just makes me angry.
As for my dad, I've always had a good relationship with him as well. (I guess I always loved both of my parents 'seperately', I don't remember ever really seeing them affectionate with eachother and didn't think of them so much as a 'couple') We used to go for long walks every night, my dad, my sisters, my dog and me. He's very smart and well read and we used to have the most interesting conversations. I always thought my dad knows everything. He also used to read to us, up until I was in Jr. High which is when he read The Lord of The Rings to us. Sometimes our friends would even come over and listen.
Now my dad lives across the country in Virginia, and it is harder to be close to him now. He never calls me, but then complains to my sister that I don't call him. But now that he's 'come out of the closet' and has so many friends and a new marriage, and really a whole new life, our relationship has changed. When we were growing up he didn't have very many friends and we were his whole life. I think I even kind of felt like I was the favorite, like I was Daddy's girl. When he first moved to Virginia, I went and lived with him for one summer, and it seemed he was pretty lonely w/out me and my sisters nearby. Now he has this whole new life and doesn't need
us so much anymore. And for some reason I don't like asking him for help (financially) when I need it, even though he's never said no. I never want to call him until I actually have some good news. . . wish I was more successful, like my sister, so he could be proud of me.
Does this help?
First off, do NOT let the relationship that you have with your father disband. It is obviously very precious to you. If you feel as if you can not connect with him as much because of his new lifestyle, send him a card write him an e-mail. Anything to remind him that he is loved or missed. More likely than not he thinks about you often.
Next why do you feel the need to take second to your sister? I'm sure your father loves you both equally. Even if she seems to have more goals accomplished it is ok! Your time WILL come.
Last but not least, you mentioned the relationship between your parents. Not a very affectionate one? Well that could be one reason why you aren't that ok with relationships yourself. I could definitely be way off on this one but it is hard to tell. When you were in school were you the type of gal to have a lot more guy friends than girl friends? And every guy that you met thought that you were really great, but it never went on from that level? Do tell.
Last but not least, you mentioned the relationship between your parents. Not a very affectionate one? Well that could be one reason why you aren't that ok with relationships yourself.
I have thought about that as an explaination, but I always wondered why I turned out so different from my sisters. Both of them have always had a boyfriend since they were in elementary school. They are both very flirtatious and have always had boys around. Usually before they break up with someone, they already have the next one lined up. Not that my sister's relationships have been the healthiest ones, but I guess I've always sort of envied them that.
I am the opposite. No, I never did have male friends growing up. All of my friends were girls, I don't know why, it just happened like that. Even in High School and College, the only guys that I hung out with were the boyfriends of my friends or sisters. During my first year out of college, (my last year in Flagstaff) was the first time that I had quite a few male friends. I became friends with them through work, or through other friends and I spent a lot of time at parties and bars. This was a confusing time for me because a couple of them did show interest in me, just not the one I wanted
. . . And I didn't know how to handle that.
Now that I am back here I have only a few old friends from high school, and my sister and cousin to spend time with. I have asked all of these friends to please keep me in mind and introduce me to any single men they know, but they haven't yet. Mostly they say they just don't know anyone who is good enough for me. Now that's a sad thought.
Never settle for less
We'll start off with the subject of the matter: "NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS!" No matter what do not lower your standards. If your friends tell you that they have yet to meet anyone with your potential or the qualities that you look for in a guy then GOOD! At least they know not to lower your standards, right?
Another thing I have to address would have to be the way you are looking for guys. I think you're trying too hard. Like I said before, your time will come. You can't force something like this. I'm not saying to sit on your ass and avoid guys all together. But what I am saying is to maybe (please do not take this the wrong way) look so desperate. Guys/people in general can sense that. I mean, can't you tell when a guy is totally looking for someone, anyone? It's very obvious and could definately be a turn-off. So look out for that next time.
And now, like always, I will end with a question.
Do you find yourself liking guys who are unavailable to you?
Answer this and I will get back to you.
Re: Never settle for less
Well I liked the first part of your post, about not lowering my standards. Everybody tells me my standards are too high. I don't know that that's true. . . I'm sure there are some decent guys out there (arent there??).
But I have to dissagree, I'm pretty sure I don't come off as desparate. I'm actually worried that the opposite is true, I give off a vibe that I am not available. I don't get approached by guys because I don't really want
to be approached. Because it would make me nervous and uncomfortable and I would probably turn them down anyway.
And I don't flirt. I always thought that was my problem. When there is a guy you could be interested in you are supposed to flirt with them, but I don't really know how. I think that's why they would see me as a friend before they would see me as girlfriend material.
I'm not usually attracted to guys who are unavailable, I just don't know how to get them. I rarely am attracted to someone (I've had about 4 big crushes in the last 8 years). They all were single and available when I became interested in them but they get snatched up before i get the guts to tell them how I feel, or I end up too far in the "friend zone", or we don't even become friends and we graduate and I never see him again. Also when I have one of these crushes, there is no way that anybody else will be good enough for me. That's why I'm too picky. I want to learn to be more open to the possibility of love, or else how will it ever happen for me?
Well, it certainly appears this journal has taken on a life of its own without me. Rita has did a fine job, and I suggest you listen to her wisdom.
Do you have a specific question for me?
Yes, she did give me some good advice, like to keep in touch with my father, and not lower my standards for dating and this is advice i have heard from other therapists as well.
However I am still concerned because I've always been told my standards are too high, and I think that might be the problem. Like I said, I never get approached by men (except maybe very creepy ones in bars but that is a rare occurence) and I'm afraid that I don't give off the impression that I am available. I don't know how to change this, I don't know how to flirt, and I am rarely attracted to guys when I first meet them anyway so I wouldn't feel comfortable with them approaching me. Maybe they pick up on this.
I just need some advice, how do I make myself more approachable? I don't want to be alone forever. All of my friends are married and starting families and I want that too.
I know this is rambling, but I'm having trouble expressing what I want to say. . . I hope it made sense.
if you're still here blu
Hello. I know that it has been a while but a lot has been going on with me. So in response to your most recent post I'd like to ask suggest to you to ask your closest, most honest, friends or family if you're an approachable person. Ask them if there is anyway you can make yourself more approachable without seeming too desperate. I mean i could tell you to smile more and dress nicer but that would be wrong on my part because I don't know how you really are in person. And about creepy men in bars, that's just a given. If you don't want to be approached by them then don't go to the bars. I'm sure there are plenty of creepy guys elsewhere. :)